Doubts

            No, this is not about that crappy Meryl Streep and Phillip Seymour Hoffman movie about the priest. I actually watched that movie, and it is a two hour waste of your life. Spoiler alert: While the priest does enjoy showing his creepy long fingernails to his young male students: the movie never reveals if anything inappropriate really happened.
            I feel like I am failing this 5k, and I am having serious doubts I will finish, at least by “spring.” “Spring” is a loose enough term that I thought would give me some freedom. It’s a defense mechanism I have picked up from clients at work. Use a broad term, give yourself plenty of time to do something…so you never have to really do it. (“I’ll look at it after the holidays.” “I’ll start in the fall.”) Only I thought I would be different and actually do it.
            I got frustrated. Then I got scared. Then I changed my plan: lose weight and you will run better. So far, I’ve started walking on an incline, trying out a spin bike, and doing other floor exercises. I’ve been tracking all my foods online and cooking healthier.
            But I’m not doing enough. My gym attendance has become sporadic and not a priority. I lost my structure, I’ve lost my motivation. And I have not lost very much weight.
            This is usually when I say eff it. I recognize that now, since I have been forced to really evaluate my progress, which is minimal. This is where I get behind for some stupid reason (this time it was the holidays and my own lazy ass) and I think I can’t get back to where I was, much less keep going.
            I’m depressed and down overall. I haven’t posted in three weeks. I have been going to the gym, but mostly at night. I’m already tired at that point but I’m not excited to write about anything. My running has gone to hell the few times I have attempted it. Nothing seems interesting to me anymore. I’m bored, beaten, and pissed off at you, Couch to 5k.
            Well, that kind of attitude, along with Nicoderm CQ, is for quitters. This morning, I drug my self-loathing ass out of bed and went to the gym. Every time I walk into the gym at seven a.m., which has only been a couple of times, I always am glad I went this early. There’s hardly anyone there.
            I decided to do a run (it’s been a couple of weeks since a successful one) just to see how it would go. I thought I would only be able to do about a quarter mile. Did I make even that? You bet your sweet asses I did. I made the half mile. I felt like I could have gone a little farther too.
            So, I learned a couple of things. One, I need to stop trying to run at night. My nocturnal gym visits lack energy and interfere with my sleep. Also, there is always something better I can be doing at night, and I usually tend to find it. Two, going to the gym tomorrow, or even hypothetically at night, is not going to help anything. Three, no gym visit is ever wasted. Even if I go to the gym and don’t run. I am still helping my running. I feel like the spin bike and my inclined walking have really helped my running muscles without the impact and massive pouring sweat.
            So, I am going to try a new training plan. I’m going to try to run a little farther every day. I will try this for a couple of weeks and see how it suits me. I will not lose any ground by this because I will not run less than one half mile, which is what I can do on a regular basis now, maybe even more, since I don’t have more intervals looming ahead of me.