I am going to Puerto Rico in April, and I’m not nearly as excited as I should be. Sure, I’m going to what will be a very fun wedding in a gorgeous place. I will be hanging out with some great people and I’m sure it will be a wonderful time.
But, the average temperature in Puerto Rico in April is around 90 degrees. I love the heat, but heat means shorts and *gasp* swimsuits.
Most women, even when they look good in a swimsuit, gripe about swimsuits. I will not do that here, but I will say that my swimsuits are starting to get more expensive as my weight goes up. It could be the basic cost of more material, which is starting to reach circus tent proportions, but I think it’s more to do with trickery design. I feel I have to pay more for a swimsuit that will mask some things. And, a larger size swimsuit that is flattering and cute is a diamond in the rough. So, quite honestly, when I find it, money is no object. For example, I found a Magicsuit swim dress that looked pretty good. Swim dresses are in style right? Right? I have to admit, I balked at the price, almost $179. Huh, it better be freaking magic.
But, the skirted bottoms I have now are no longer fooling anyone, and they certainly are not hiding the stretch marks on my stomach or the cottage-cheese look of my thighs. But, there’s got to be a more cost effective way. So, I started surfing Target.com, one of my favorite places to be. Time to start thinking about a tankini. I couldn’t find one that would currently go with the giant swim shorts I invested in last year. So what if they’re ugly? You should be thanking me for covering up. You’re welcome, world.
Ugh, why can’t swimsuits be like in Victorian times, when they covered your whole body? Those were the days, when everyone was ashamed. I bore easily with the tankinis and venture over to the clothing section of the site. Oh…my…god…they have such cute color block casual dresses! In about 12 different colors! I want them all! Oh, look that these jackets! These shoes are adorable!
I start furiously clicking “Add to Cart” and before I know it, there is a LOT of money in that total column. Hmm…open new tab and open U.S. Bank. I know the answer before I even get there. Grim.
Then, I thought to myself, why do I drain my bank account almost every pay period on stuff that just makes me look…ok? Why should I settle? When is the last time I put something on and thought, damn, I look GREAT in this? Should I be rewarding myself for getting up to a size XL? How did that even happen? Oh yeah, I bought these sweaters in a size larger “for the length” and now they don’t fit. Besides, I’m supposed to be saving money for Puerto Rico.
So, since I love to multi-task, I have rolled two life goals into one smart plan. I have decided to call it the “Too Bad, Fat Ass” weight loss and financial plan.
The plan is simple. If I have not lost weight from the previous week, I do not get to buy anything for myself. That’s it. That should cut out a LOT of stupid spending I seem to keep doing. And if I do lose weight, great. Then, I’ve lost weight AND I get to buy something I feel I will fit into six months from now. It's a win-win, calorie-free reward.
Still not clear? Let me give you some scenarios.
“Can I buy this sweet tunic that hides my fat rolls and mammoth size butt?”
Did you lose weight this week?
“No.”
Well then too bad, Fat Ass. You can’t have it. Maybe if you did, you wouldn’t need that tunic to cover up your nasty body.
“Oh, well, I’ll go buy more tanning minutes. That will make me feel better about myself.”
Is that tanning going to make you thinner?
“No, not really.”
Well then too bad, Fat Ass. Maybe next week.
Just watch, someday people are going to be buying my book.
Sure, there’s holes in the plan. Why would I buy something after I’ve lost two pounds when it might not fit when I’ve lost 20? Well hopefully I have that problem. It just comes down to motivation and responsibility, and both of them are lacking in my life right now.
So, look for the book, Too Bad, Fat Ass: Your Guide to Stop Being a Money-Grubbing, Fat Piece of Shit. Coming to a store near you, whenever I get the motivation to write it.
Don’t hold your breath.
No comments:
Post a Comment