The Carb Lover's Diet

Everyone who knows me, even a little bit, knows I love to read. I read just about everything from mysteries and thrillers to novels, historical fiction, and autobiographies. I even started putting my old Newsweek and Time magazines in my bathrooms to make the “unread” pile dwindle. Sometimes, I work in a romance novel, but I mostly find the shoddy plot as an infuriating, time-consuming hurdle I have to get through to finally witness some unrealistically good sex.

            But, in a nutshell, I read just about everything, except diet and wellness books. I have never really wanted to waste precious reading something that is a gimmick, or will tell me something I don’t want to hear. Like, “you will lose weight if you stop eating crap and drinking wine.” Sounds pretty uninteresting to me. I just want to know the plan, I don’t need a $22.00 hardcover book to tell me to pass up that Snicker’s bar. (harsh reality, I have one in my desk, thundering like Poe’s Tell-tale Heart. You bookworms should get that.)

I have rolled my eyes watching my family and friends buy titles like The Flat Belly Diet, Skinny Bitch, and The 9-inch Diet. That last one sounded kind of interesting, but I was scared to click on it.

And it seems like every year there is some fad diet, like Atkins, South Beach, and Mediterranean. I’m obviously no authority on the subject, because I know these diets work for some people, but a lot of them seem kind of strange and unrealistic to me. My dad went on Atkins and survived for months on omelets, bun-less burgers, and asparagus. Our house smelled like rotten ass, but he dropped 50 pounds.

A couple of years ago, my trainer had suggested I buy the Eating Clean Diet and Cookbook. I’m sure it’s very good for you, but I didn’t know 75% of the ingredients in the book, and absolutely everything you ate had to be prepared from scratch. It was just not something that fit well into my life.

So, I have never bought a diet book on my own accord, but boredom and frustration do things to a person. A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting in a hotel room in Boston struggling through homework. Rachael Ray was on because I was hoping to catch The Price is Right, which is on after her. Somewhere between discussion posts and my Kurig black tea, I heard the words “Resistant Starch” and “burns fat.”

My mind did the math: starch=carbs=pasta. You have my attention. I physically turn my body to Rachael Ray.

            These two ladies are on TV talking to Rachael Ray about how carbs are not evil, you just need to learn how to probably use them to fuel your body. Hmm…makes sense. They then show some delicious options within their diet, had a striking testimonial from a viewer, and then they got me. I could have wine with my dinner. Rachael Ray pretended to swoon, but I actually did. This book sounds exactly like what I’m already trying to do, cook healthy carb dishes.
            It’s called The Carb Lover’s Diet and it sounds pretty practical. Basically, eat some healthy carbs with each meal and don’t be a freaking moron. It’s about moderation and portion control. This woman gave her testimonial about how she lost around thirty pounds doing it and tracked her progress in a blog. This is too weird. I watch Rachael Ray maybe once per year and usually I just flip right through, but I happen to catch this and it seems to be talking straight to me.
            I contemplate this for a few days, and figure I have nothing to lose other than some weight and maybe a few bucks. I jump on Amazon and buy it. Unfortunately, they don’t have it in Kindle version, so I have to wait a couple of weeks for it to ship.
            Immediately after hitting the “purchase” button, I start to envision this book sitting in my house. Since I normally only buy electronic books, I am not used to waiting or even having a book lying around. It occurs to me that people will see that I own this book. It will be visible on my bookshelf or coffee table. I do not want this to be a conversation piece, that’s why Awkward Family Photos and The Truth About Chuck Norris adorn my coffee tables. Did you know Chuck Norris can divide by zero?
            I get the book and skim through it after coming home late from work. Obviously, the Taco Johns I had earlier was not on this plan. But, a lot of the things I already eat are on this plan, and I think this is realistic for me. This plan requires me to stop drinking for the first seven days. I frown at this, but there is no reason why I can’t. I decide the day after my Super bowl party is the perfect day to start. While preparing for the party, I ask Josh to move my book under the TV and out of sight. He puts it on top of the T.V.
            “Josh, put it under the T.V. I don’t want people to see it,” I said.
            “Did you get bananas? Do you know how many grams of resistant starch bananas have?” he said.
            “Oh my god, did you read it?” I asked.
            “I skimmed through it. I think I got everything important. I’m trying to avoid carbs, so this will be interesting,” he said.
            I’m already embarrassed. I look at my husband, whose body has been transformed into thinness by a mere month of racquetball and kashi bars.
            Well I’m two days in and I really like it. My first week has me on 1200 calories a day, just to throw my body into shock, I guess. 1200 calories a day is definitely a shock for me, but it was a big shock to not be so hungry. I’m not hungry at all, and my energy levels are much higher.
            Hopefully this is the last diet book I will ever buy, and hopefully the last diet I’m ever on. We shall see how it goes.