Recommended for You

            As some of you may know, I’m a little bit of a shop-a-holic. This is a nasty little habit that feels justified when you are constantly “growing” out of clothes. In the last couple of years, I have almost completely shied away from traditional store shopping and gone online. This has happened for a number of reasons:

1.      I worked in retail for three years. I will be ecstatic if I never see another mall again.

2.      I would rather pick out my size gi-normous jeans in privacy, and likewise cry in the privacy of my bathroom when they don’t fit.

3.      It’s convenient. I am almost always by a computer or my Blackberry. I can browse, think about it, then browse some more. When Victoria’s Secret re-formatted their site for Blackberry viewing, I about passed out from euphoria.

4.      There’s usually more of a selection. It’s rare that they are out of a size or color. And online exclusives? Yes, please. Also, the internet is not bound to floor space, so I don’t have to worry about going to “the crappy Target.”

So, clearly, online shopping is my choice. Sure, there are drawbacks. I end up returning half the stuff I order. I usually pick retailers who have a return policy that allows me to return in store. This way I can exchange, or just get more stuff, which hurts the wallet. Another drawback is that I get about ten emails a day beckoning me to come back for big big savings. I usually try to delete these without reading them, but I was not so diligent.

Younkers is having what they call e-busters for “Community Day.” I do not know what “Community Day” is and I really don’t care, but what does “e-busters” mean? Turns out, “e-busters” is a lazy online shopper’s wet dream. It’s the online equivalent to door-buster sales. I do not do these early-bird, Black Friday gimmick shit. I would rather spend more money and sleep then get my ass up early on a cold day and fight some old hag over discount elastic waistband pants. (that is a slight exaggeration. While elastic waistband pants are comfortable, I would never buy them because to me, that is officially giving up)

I am having a wonderful time perusing the deals on Younkers’ site. I mean, there are some old lady sweaters that are on sale for like twelve dollars. Ugly Sweater party anyone? I laugh as I see the original price. Why would anyone pay $40.00 for a sweater called Kitty Play? Apple Gathering? Maybe some Birdsong Swag to go with my leisure pants.

Just then, karma caught up with me. I glanced at the “Recommended for You” tab and the gurus at younkers.com apparently think I would fancy a pair of plus size Baby Phat skinny jeans with studded hardware on the leg. (For those of you who don’t know, Baby Phat is a clothing line geared toward young African American women. Some of their stuff is ok, but some of it is kind of skanky)

So, not only has Younkers figured out that I’m chunky, but they also think I want to look like a ho. Awesome. That’s exactly what everyone needs to see, brass buttons adorning the pantleg that is choking my cankles.

This is not the first time Recommended tabs have let me down. Amazon.com thinks I’m desperate and lonely. Their recommendations for Kindle reading have usually been very good for me; I have found many good books that way. But, when my recommendations started featuring bare-chested men and women and corsets on the covers, I had to really had to re-evaluate my reading material. Damn you, Thorn Birds, messing up my recommendations.

I can’t figure out where Younkers got that suggestion, but I know that my shopping energy is shot. Much like my gym energy. Monday we are back on the horse for sure.

(Shit, those novels usually had people on horseback. Damn you Amazon.)