The Birth Story

Here I am, nine months pregnant. It doesn’t seem real. Me, pregnant, about to pop any second, with a human, that I made on purpose. Well I guess it does seem a little real, that fart I just ripped is real (there’s no containing it these days), my acid reflux is real, that kick in my cervix is definitely really…unpleasant. I always thought that if I were pregnant, I would be writing about every single magical or horrifying day. I even bought two Kate Spade Journals to chronicle it all since I have a bad habit of writing things and not finishing them or posting them. Well, it appears my bad habit is just not writing these days at all. I have maybe three entries in that cute little Kate Spade journal?

I wanted to give a real account of what it was like to be pregnant, that was my original plan. You never hear a real account anymore, or at least I felt like I never did. I find generally two types of mothers who will tell me things. There are the horror story mothers, who make up the majority of my mother-in-law and her six sisters. You hear terrible shit like, “I rolled over too quickly in bed and pissed myself.” Or “I felt like I had a bowling ball between my knees the last month.” My personal favorite came from my sister in law (what is it with my husband’s family?) who said she almost killed her husband when he commented the large laundry pile and said that every time she bent to put clothes in the dryer, it felt like her vagina was going to fall out. I think she also asked him how would he like to have his dick hurt for nine months?

The other type of mother is the one who must love her children so much she sees all this unpleasantness through rose colored glasses. My mother is this type. She would tell me all the time that “it wasn’t that bad” or “I don’t really remember” and that she wasn’t really uncomfortable. I suspected her of being a dirty liar because I knew she wanted grandchildren. I saw the pictures of when she had my sister, the ten pound monster baby. Mom looked like she swallowed a beach ball. She still looked beautiful, but not comfortable in the slightest.

I guess I went into my pregnancy with the worst of expectations and I found myself pleasantly surprised. I got nauseous in the afternoons but never threw up. I got a little tired but that’s pretty much my default state anyway. I love a good nap. I thought giving up alcohol would kill me, but it didn’t. I thought I would gain an enormous amount of weight, another default setting of mine, but it’s been in check despite my efforts to eat as much chips and chocolate as possible. I’m at 37 weeks and can still pick up things off the floor with minimal discomfort. I just did some laundry and my vagina is still in place, I’ve had no swelling in my hands or feet. I’m still wearing my wedding rings and my already size ten feet did not grow another size. Other than the heartburn and fatigue, I have to sometimes remind myself that I’m pregnant. Except when I have to turn over in bed, then I feel like a land monster.

So imagine my surprise at my last appointment when my doctor said I likely wasn’t going to make it to October 2^nd, my due date, because the baby’s head was “very low.” I had mentally prepared myself to go over by a week or so, meaning I would have about a month left. I had heard it was common in first time pregnancies. I thought I would be one of those women who would tell her friends, “I was like, get this baby out of me.” And I still could be, the jury is still out on that. Selfishly, I just want to make it past my hair appointment tomorrow. My roots are out of control. After that, bring it on. I’m not in a huge hurry, I’m not miserable; I’m just kind of bored with being pregnant. I’m tired of waiting.

So, I have made the decision that I’m not going to drive myself crazy thinking I could go anytime. I’m not going to be on pins and needles, I’m not going to sequester myself in to the house. I’m not going to go and find a bumpy field and drive over the rows. I can’t do that anyway, I would have to go too far to find a field around here and there are still crops in them.

No, I’m not going to do any of those things. I’m going to go about my business with the hospital bag packed.

I’m currently working from home, because I feel the most pregnant and uncomfortable when I’m commuting into the city. Especially in 90 degree heat and humidity. I saw that my favorite autumn squash soup is back at Panera Bread so despite the weather, I decided to go there for lunch today. While there, I got an email from my husband confirming he’s going to have friends over for poker tonight. I’m totally good with that, I tell him to golf and do all this stuff while he can. I asked him since I was out and about, did he need me to pick anything up at the store for him? He replied he would like some Baby Daddy beer at the liquor store down the street from where I was. This aptly named beer is his new favorite.

I went to the liquor store and walked the aisles. Before I was pregnant and even early on, I still did the alcohol shopping after grocery shopping. But, in the past few months, Josh had taken to making his own beer runs on his way home from work, so it had been a while before I had been in a liquor store. I couldn’t find this damn beer. I paced and paced down the cooler, remembering that my doctor told me that walking could get my labor going. I stopped when I felt a twinge. Oh. Shit. Nope, it’s gone. I think it was just a mild cramp, but then a thought occurred to me, what if my water breaks in here? Oh god, wouldn’t that be the trashiest birth story? The kind of story that would make my friends and family roll their eyes and say, of course, her water would break there. And I will insist, “no, I was getting beer for Josh, I haven’t been there in months!” And no one would believe me. The only thing worse is if I was at a gun show, which is the first thing my husband thought of a future father/son activity when he found out we were having a boy.

I remembered that Josh said they didn’t seem to restocking his favorite beers so I grabbed a backup brand he liked and got the hell out of there. On my way home, I had a thought: at some point, this thing is going to happen. The biggest thing in my life. And then it will be the birth story, the story I tell my son and my family when they ask. And it could have started in a freaking liquor store. And it’s a separate thing in New Jersey, they don’t sell alcohol at grocery stores here. I can’t fudge my way through it and say I was just there picking up pickles and ice cream or some cute shit like that. Nope, I was buying my husband a beer called Baby Daddy. A beer with an abnormally high alcohol content. That’s how our family rolls, junior.

It’s a lot of pressure. I mean, my son isn’t going to want to hear what could possibly happen. “Well honey, my doctor told me your head was just behind my cervix, and she told me to go home, walk around, and have sex. And I didn’t really feel like walking, but your dad did a hell of a job.” Or, “I was trying for the second time to get skunk spray smell off the dog and then my water broke as I was bending over the tub.” (Also a true story, our dog got sprayed by a skunk last week and he still smells pretty funky, and we are kind of “waiting it out”).

I mean, not that any child really asks this, but it’s not like we got pregnant in a real classy way. “Well son, it was a snowy weekend in January and we decided to go see the Revenant. I really like Leonardo DiCaprio and your dad wanted to see what this bear attack was all about. I snuck three little bottles of wine in the theater for your father and I to share but he was so wrapped up in the movie that I drank all three. Then we had you.”

I guess whatever way it happens isn’t important, just that it happens and everything goes well. I’ll tell myself that as my hair is in foils this weekend. It’s just interesting that everything I think is going to happen never does. I always thought that my water would break at some convenient time in the middle of the night, and I would gently wake Josh and we would make a smooth, short drive to the hospital together. But now I’m realizing it can happen anytime, anywhere, and we could be sitting in rush hour traffic going into the city. Or I might have to shake Josh out of one of his Baby Daddy induced deep sleeps and then I will have to explain the bruises to the nurses…

Ok. Now I’m officially freaking myself out. I’m going to go drink some iced tea and take a bath.

Better in Bulk

     For those of you who have been following my Facebook posts, you will notice that I recently made a wise investment in a rather large case of “Kirkland Light Beer”, a cleverly named light lager for the thrifty deadbeat dad who might still want to maintain his “peaked in high school” physique. That is, by the way, my favorite Rob Lowe.

     While I like a lot of things about living on the East Coast, I have made no secret about my misgivings. The main thing is the insanely high cost of living. My co-workers, who all grew up in New England are probably very tired of me talking about how cheap it is to live in Iowa, or how I rented a four bedroom house in Texas for a lot less than my current apartment. We have kicked around the idea of buying, but I can’t stomach buying a 100 year old non-insulated shack for $500,000.

     This all being said, my husband and I both have good jobs. We do fine, but we have to stick to our budget more than we have before. We have a weekly amount we set aside for groceries, and I stick to that amount. I decide what we need for the week and some items might get pushed to next week. Basically, this means weekly trips to Costco to buy a few things, instead of buying a whole bunch of crap when I feel it. Oh, a cube of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? Some may ask why, I ask why not? Not a good way of thinking, because there are several reasons why not. But a few strong reasons why…

     Costco is great for certain things. We get meat, frozen food, cleaning supplies, paper products, and another items that are non-perishable that we are sure to use, but the main thing I have been getting there lately is their alcohol. Yes, it is at a good price, but there is a large convenience factor. In Massachusetts, you cannot buy beer, liquor, or wine at any grocery store, you have to go to a separate liquor store. And since it is an established fact that my husband and I enjoy our cocktails from time to time, this is kind of a frequent inconvenience. Between Costco, the regular grocery store, the liquor store, and the market where we get our produce (it’s amazing), and any other random items I might need, running errands can take a full day.

     And no, they do not have Wal-Mart here. I know, where can you find all the Wal-Mart creatures? Well here, they are de-centralized, and everywhere. It’s hard not having Wal-Mart. Where can you go to feel a little better about yourself? Well, there are several places I could mention in another post but at the end of this entry, maybe you’ll find yourself behind me in line at Costco.

     In the scheme of wine and spirits retail, Costco is a little bit of a loophole. They have a wine and spirits “section” that is inside the store. So, you go over there and make a separate transaction.

     A couple of weeks ago Josh was accompanying me on my errands, which is rare. We were in Costco strolling around the wine and spirits store and were just about to leave when I saw a box of Irish beers. I pointed it out to him and he shrugged his shoulders, then smiled.

      “I don’t know…It might be a little too classy for us” he said. “Are you sure you don’t want the Kirkland Light Beer?”

       I laughed. “Oh you noticed those?” I said. “I’ve been eyeing those for weeks because I thought they were hilarious, but I kept forgetting to tell you. I’m sure it’s awful.”

      “Um…could be good. The lovely silver packaging and the catchy name…” Josh said sarcastically. Or in a serious tone. I can’t be sure anymore. This is a guy who went through a serious PBR phase in college. I tolerated this for a while, because he was the one buying the beer. But, I drew the line when I woke up one more morning and my stomach felt like it was turning inside out.

      In the end, we decided to splurge and go with the Irish beer collection. We nursed those for a couple of weeks and even make a great beef stew with the Guinness, but last week we were out of beer and I found myself back at Costco getting eggs and turkey bacon. I’m making my rounds in the wine section when I stop then back up a few steps to stare down a silver box of Kirkland Light.

     No, I think, and walk a couple of steps. Then I walk back and contemplate it. It’s one hell of a deal, 48 cans for 21 bucks. It’s like 50 cents a can. I haven’t’ had beer that cheap…ever. Even my first beers snuck at wedding dances in high school were two bucks.

     Don’t do it. My mind says. It’s got to be terrible. You can’t even get a soda for 50 cents and that is made from the cheapest, most unhealthy shit imaginable. This stuff will probably give you cancer. You aren’t in college anymore, what’s the point? This is not the keg shop. This is not a fire sale. You do not know what you are buying.

      Yeah, but how bad can it be? What if it’s surprisingly good? How great would that be? I decide to buy it. If nothing else, I can surprise Josh and we can have a good giggle. I heft the unwieldy box into my cart and stroll to the counter. The kid checking me out is barely 21, so I figure he’s tried it for sure. I mean, he is probably making minimum wage and would be the person this beer is really marketed to, not a childless woman who is pushing 30.

      “So seriously,” I ask. “How bad is this stuff?”

      “I honestly don’t know. I have not tried it,” he says.

      I’m surprised, but I press on. “Oh, I’m sure it’s not great, my expectations are pretty low,” I say. I realize how painfully obvious this must be to the kid, who probably is attending a prestigious school here and has his whole life ahead of him.

      “I’m betting it’s like a Natty Light or something,” he says. Which I feel is fair. I’d like to say it’s been years since I’ve had a Natural product, but I would be lying, unless you are talking about natural like Whole Foods natural. Last year Josh insisted we drink Natural Ice because he had done a cost/benefit analysis on carbs to alcohol content. It was impressive really, how he researched that and made the presentation to me. I kept thinking what a beautiful mix of practicality and white trash principles. There’s a comfort in this. If we ever find ourselves living in a trailer or shanty, it will likely have some ingenious enhancements to it.

      “Anyway,” he continues, “I would likely never get it. I would only get it if I was having a party or something. Those are too many beers for me. I would never be able to drink them all.”

      Ah, instant embarrassment on so many levels and I instinctively lower my head. Because I wasn’t having a party, it was just a normal weekend at home with my husband. I used to be a party throwing kind of a gal, so it’s also sad that I’m not anymore. I realize if this beer is really bad, I can’t just throw it in a cupboard and pawn it off on my friends during a drinking game. Those days are over. I think about confessing this to my young, apparently studious cashier, but I have reached that level of maturity that I can play out these conversations in my head beforehand.

      First I would have to tell him that it’s just me and my husband. Then I would probably tell him that we aren’t crazy boozehounds or anything, but then I would glance three bottles of wine in my cart. Then I would blush and start to stammer about how it’s a lot less than when we were first married and used the kegerator…that we still own…that we registered for in our wedding. I swear we’re not white trash. Oh wait, yeah, I’m still buying this Kirkland Light. But it will probably take a while to drink it. Yeah, we’ll really plug away at it, because we have nothing better to do than sit around and watch ESPN and drink discount beer while our dog barks at the neighbors.

      I have played this all out in my head and have come to the obvious conclusion that nothing I say will really help my “We’re not white trash” case. Some battles you just cannot win. It’s like when one of Josh’s co-worker’s girlfriends moved to Kansas City from California and I was trying my best to convince her we were not white trash. Then Josh sweetly supported my efforts by constantly talking about NASCAR, inviting her to go bowling, and then to a gun show. We went to said gun show. I had to try to explain the entire time that I had never been to a gun show before…even though Josh had…with his dad…when he was junior high. Yeah.

      In any case, I’d been here many times before. I knew were this was headed. Time to get out. I paid for the beer and loaded it in the back of my dirty truck next to a dirty shovel. Damn. Again. I swear I’m not white trash.

      We are still working on the Kirkland Light. While it inevitably pairs well with wings, mild depression and overall failure, it is a lot of beer. We are not in college anymore, nor should we be drinking as such. Josh refers to it as “middle cup beer”, a reference to an old favorite drinking game.

      After a week we still had wine left too, but with another snowstorm coming up, I headed back to good ‘ol Costco tonight. All I needed was some steak and wine for Valentine’s Day. Costco is normally a total cluster fuck on weekends, but Friday nights are tolerable, if you can stand to face the fact that your social life has hit a new low. Tonight, however, I had to park on the end of the massive parking lot by the mountains of snow. The place was packed. I had to wait in line to purchase my sad little package of steaks and then headed to the wine section. Steak and wine. So classy.

      I buzzed through, ignoring the beers and made my way to the counter when I realized it was a complete dead zone in there. There was nobody in the wine and spirits section. Normally I have to wait in a line four people deep.

      I walk up to the cashier, a different kid, but one who looks like he would be more apt to buy Kirkland beer. He and his counterpart were checking out some woman’s ass across the store and not so discreetly making comments about it. So these are my people, I guess. In their defense, this chick did have a pretty great ass.

      Anyway, I say to one of them, “Where the hell is everybody? The parking lot is full but no one is in here. What are these people buying?”

      “Stocking up for the storm,” the kid said

      “Um..yeah, so am I,” I point to my wine. Which, of course, includes Black Box. Hey, it’s won awards.

      The other kid smirked. “Bread and milk,” he says. “The essentials?”

       I have neither in my cart. To be fair, I have them at home. But apparently I’m the only one out of the hundreds of people at Costco who considers wine an essential. Come on, wine and a blizzard? That's how babies are made. I wouldn't know, but I saw that on a Hallmark card once. I’d bet half the people in the store were conceived that way. On a rational level, I realize there many people making their way toward the wine section as I’m thinking this, and this is merely bad timing, but in the moment it makes me feel awkward.

      My cashier bails me out. “It was busy before. It comes in waves.”

      Sure, buddy. Thanks.

      But, I go to the next grocery store and see people almost getting into car accidents as they fight for parking spots, or the lady bringing 50 items to the express lane, or the person who does not even acknowledge or thank me when I hold the door open for them. I think maybe I’m not so trashy. It’s all about perspective. I pick up some grocery store wings and sushi without shame, because some people drink Kirkland Light, some people are Kirkland Light. Which is nasty. Nasty is what it is.

Pulling Pigs

      Since I have last blogged I have lived in two cities, Houston and now Boston. I must say, Boston is very different than any other place I have lived. Most of the cities I have lived in have been in the Midwest. Even Houston has that Midwestern feel to it even though it has a lot of other elements going, from its ethnic diversity and old south undertones. And, in all places, I was never more than 20 minutes from farmland (in Houston I lived in a southern suburb that was very close to the edge of “town”).

     In Boston, that is very different. Everything is different. I pay 40% more rent for less than half the living space I am used to. I take the train into downtown every day and am now part of that sea of people you see on TV hustling to my office. Everything is densely packed together. I could drive west until I get to a “farm.” But it would likely be a country-like estate that has been in this person’s family since 1700 and the farm is just so they can have horses, not grow corn.

I’m sure the type of farm that I grew up on exists in Massachusetts, but I think I would have to drive pretty far.

     Anyway, that’s not to say I don’t like it here. I do. It’s just very different than where I am from. And I just seem to notice that more and more, and I find myself talking about farm life more than I ever have, which is strange, because my contribution to life on the farm was minimal. I bean walked, mowed the lawn, painted fences, and chased in the occasional pig that got out. But, I’ve never loaded or vaccinated hogs, didn’t do “chores”, and never learned to drive a tractor. I can’t even drive stick. Wow, now seeing it here written in black and white, I was pretty worthless as a farmer’s daughter. What a deadbeat.

    Well, in my defense, my domain was mostly in the house with my mom. I helped with the housework, and that, of course, is how I learned to cook so well (thanks Mom). When I was in high school, I typically had one or two jobs.

    But still, I feel the need to talk about the farm and life at home, especially since most of the people I work with grew up in the city, and maybe have only visited a farm on a “field-trip” like excursion. Also, they have admitted to me that they "are not exactly sure where Iowa is", a fact that is giving me wrinkles. So, I have been known around my office to be a teller of “hog stories.” I don’t mean these stories to be particularly humorous, but I guess they come off that way.

     I was telling a story last night over drinks that makes my family sound exceptionally backwoods. I figured, if I ‘m going to play farm girl in a big city, I’m going to celebrate the role.

     My parents married and started a family during the farm crisis. While I don’t remember my parents as struggling or poor, I’m sure my parents worried about finances. I am the youngest of three kids who are very close in age, and my mom stayed home with us until I was about eight or nine, so for a long while, we were all supported solely by my dad’s farm operation.

     I was about four or five, and I was pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night. Us three kids were piled in our Buick and went to “the other place”, my dad’s other farm a mile down the road. I was sleepy, disoriented, and just not sure what was going on. We got to the other place and were pulled out of the car and into the barn. I knew something strange was going on for sure, because we were not allowed in the barn, for various reasons. The biggest reason was that my mother could not stand the way the smell of pigs completely permeated your clothing, hair, skin, etc. My parents bickered often if dad had to “check on something real quick” in the barn on the way to or from town in his nice clothes. My mom was a reluctant farmer’s wife, as referenced in some of my earlier posts (tornado season was an exceptionally hopeful time to my mom). To her, the farm was a way of life solely because she loves my dad. She was not one of those wives who would haul loads of grain into town, or throw on some jeans to clean out pens, but she would cook you one hell of a meal when you were done, smiling with her lipstick perfectly applied and serving you with manicured nails.

     So, imagine my confusion when my brother, sister and I are unceremoniously seated in front of a laboring sow, my dad giving my mom a pep talk. I don’t remember what was said, I don’t remember what we were sitting on. I think it might have been a bale of straw but that seems too quaint. What I do remember is the labored breathing of the sow, the heat of a lamp, the smell of blood, and my mom’s arm going up into this thing and pulling a squealing piglet out.

     And she kept repeating the process. I was initially horrified, then curious. Here the facts of life were unfolding in front of me, as I am seated on a bale of straw (or likely a smelly old blanket) in my Rainbow Brite nightshirt staring up the birth canal of a sow. You didn’t see that on Green Acres.

    My dad talking to her the whole time, and my mom trying to keep her cool as she pulled out several pigs. To an extent, I understood why this was happening: my father has enormous hands, while my mom’s hands are very petite, like mine. I remember thinking that my dad was super nice to have my mom do this instead. I’m sure the sow was grateful, but the look on my mom’s face was not one of gratitude.

     The process took a little while and I feel asleep, and was eventually carted back home and to bed. And this incident was never repeated. I asked mom about it and she simply said, “We didn’t want you kids waking up in the middle of the night and us not being there.” But that wasn’t the mystery. This was clearly a one-time deal, and I know that sows had difficult births often. When my brother was older, he sometimes had to sit with a sow that was having a hard labor.

     Fast forward 25 years to a bar in Omaha. My husband, my dad and I are having some beers with some of my friends. One of my friends, who grew up in the city, was saying he wanted to get into farming. Josh, my dad and I were explaining to him why this was a bad idea, in his situation. He didn’t have the money to invest in land and equipment. He didn’t know anything about livestock or crops. He didn’t know the struggles of just starting out as a farmer and how long it could take before you were financially established, if it ever happened at all. We explained the struggles and the delicate balance you go through to make sure your farm is profitable. To illustrate a point, I told him about my night of witnessing my mom pulling pigs, and I explained that my dad likely did not want to call the veterinarian to come out in the middle of the night, because that can be very costly. However, losing a sow and her piglets is also costly, so my mom had to step in.

     After telling my friend this story, I turned to my dad and said, “Hey, by the way, how did you ever convince her to do that?”

     My dad scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, let me tell you,” he said. “It took plenty of convincing. I had to promise her all kinds of things. The whole time I was talking to her. I promised her a fur coat, I promised her a new deck with French doors...yeah I promised her a lot of things.”

     That explained my dad’s constant chatter during the process, but this also created a problem, because my mom didn't have a fur coat and our farm house never had a deck with French doors.

     “You did not,” I said.

     “Well I most certainly did, how did you think I could convince her to do it?” He asked.

     “Dad! You made certain promises to your wife while she was elbow deep in a sow and  you didn’t deliver?” I exclaimed.

      Dad smirked and chuckled to himself. “No, I guess I kind of forgot about it. That’s probably why she never did it again.” Then he laughed and turned to my friends. "You what it really was? I started thinking of all the stuff I'd to buy every time, and figured it was just cheaper to call the vet."

     We were all giggling about this when my mom arrived, who had been delayed by a little shopping. Typical Mom. I told her that I was telling my friends about the time that she pulled pigs and she immediately shouted, “OH MY GOD, that was awful, and did you know your father promised me all kinds of things? I mean, I was supposed to get some new jewelry, a fur coat, and he was going to build me a beautiful deck with French doors?” She turns to my dad.  “Yeah, Mike, whatever happened to that?”

     An amazing thing had happened, my parent’s accounts on a single story had actually matched up for the most part. This was rare. Especially since my dad can’t remember what he asked me a half hour ago, or where I work, or other things. But he remembered all these exact promises that he supposedly forgot? Typical. Apparently I had revived a 25 year old argument. As amusing as it was to watch my dad squirm, I decided to bail him out. They were my ride home, after all.

    “Well dad, you guys got the house in town now, and there’s French doors to the deck right? So you delivered…eventually,” I said.

     Dad grinned at me, then grinned at my mom. She rolled her eyes and laughed, and I saw how my dad can sometimes get away with shit. He turned back to me

     “Thanks sugar,” he said. “Would you like another beer?”

     Yep, he remembered how to keep me happy, though it would take a lot of beer to get my arm up a pig. And if that ever happened, I would ask for it up front.

Diamonique and Chocolates

I never thought a can of frosting would make me homesick.

My mother called me today to thank me for her Mother’s Day present, which had just arrived in the mail. I had ordered her a Diamonique ring from QVC, which is basically like the Home Shopping Network. She was raving about her ring, much to my satisfaction.

“It fits perfectly, it’s my birthstone, and it’s just beautiful! How did you know?” she raved.

“Oh, I don’t know, the countless hours of QVC Diamonique Jewelry Showcase you forced me to watch?”

My mother pauses. “Really? I don’t recall watching that with you,” she says.

“Mom, we watched it all the time. For hours at a time,” I say.

“Well, I don’t remember forcing you to watch anything,” she insists.

It’s true, my parents didn’t own firearms, but they owned only two televisions. It was either sit in the living room with my mother while she drooled over high-end cubic zirconias, or sit in the kitchen with my father. He would be fixated on the mustaches and polyester pants of Classic Bowling while asking me repeatedly about school as I fetch him small glass after small glass of orange juice.

I elected to always sit in the comfort of the living room, watching my mother grip the phone and sweat over five easy payments of $19.95. She never bought anything, though I think that has changed now. She always just would say how she should, and I would encourage her because I thought she deserved it. Also, I was hoping if she actually pulled the trigger, she might change the channel. But usually, she would write down the item numbers and tell me to hand them off to my father “at the right moment.”

As I’m remembering all this, my mother has changed the course of our phone conversation. My mother had to bake some brownies for some of the hired hands on the farm as well as some funerals and the thought of leaving baked goods unguarded with my father in the house has her all wound up.

“I hope he doesn’t eat them all. He eats everything in sight,” she says.

I can’t resist. “Yeah, I called the house earlier. He sounded like he was definitely eating something,” I say with a smirk.

This is completely untrue, but I get the desired effect. My mother makes a disgusted sound, then she goes into a rant that she says often.

“Anytime I get something sweet he eats everything. Even my baking supplies. I will go to make cookies or bars and all the chocolate chips and walnuts will be gone, because he eats it all,” she hisses.

“Uh huh.”

“I had this can of frosting, this special frosting made from Hershey’s chocolate…”she starts.

I perk up. This is new.

“He ate a can of frosting? No he didn’t,” I insist. Sad individuals resort to eating frosting. My dad is a reasonable man. Eating frosting out of a can is a level of depravity people in my family do not stoop to.

“I went to frost the bars, and I noticed the jar moved…and he had stuck a fork in it and started eating it out of the can,” she says.

I giggle. This is hilarious, but I understand her frustration. My parents live 20 miles from the nearest supermarket, except for a small grocery store that is ten miles away and not open all the time. So, when you expect that all ingredients will be there for something you plan to make, and you come up short, it’s infuriating.

“I’m serious,” she continues. “If you have a jar of hot fudge around for ice cream, forget it, it’s gone.”

Well of course hot fudge is for ice cream, what else would it be for? I decide not to ask. I was at work so I cut her off and got off the phone. I came home tonight and had a hankering for something sweet. I opened up the freezer and started digging into a bag of chocolate chips. While delicious, the chocolate did not ease my homesickness.

My parents are coming to visit in two weeks and I have no frosting. I better get the store, which luckily, is just down the street.

Safe for Septic Tanks

            I am going home tomorrow, and I am looking forward to it. I did not see any family for Christmas or Thanksgiving but will be visiting both my parents and my in-laws this weekend. It will be nice to see my parents in person for a change, instead of constantly talking to them on the phone. I like talking to them on the phone for many reasons, but one reason people may or may not know is that my parents amuse me. They have been married for so long (30 years) that they argue about the stupidest things. I like this, because that means they don’t have anything serious to fight about.

            The other day I was cleaning my toilet and I smiled, because I thought of my parent’s heated argument over toilet paper.

            Not too long ago, when I still lived in Omaha, I was talking on the phone with my mother, which is almost a daily occurrence. It was a couple of days before my parents were supposed to come visit my husband and me.

            “Oh my god, your father is driving me nuts,” my mom said.

            “Uh huh,” I said, unphased. This was normal. “What did he do?”

            “Well,” my mother began. “I was at the grocery store the other day and I bought some toilet paper. The quilted kind.”

            This is not the kind my mother normally buys, but I was glad to hear they were treating themselves.

            “Yeah, so? What made you spring for the good stuff?” I asked.

            “They were out of our normal kind. And I bought the quilted stuff by accident. So, your father had a goddamn fit. He comes storming out of the bathroom asking me why did I buy this toilet paper and didn’t I know it was going to clog up the septic tank? Well, I marched right into that bathroom and got the package out, turned it over, and showed him where that it said right on the package ‘safe for septic tanks,’” she said.

            I was loving this. Clearly she had anticipated his response, did her research, and bought the stuff anyway.

“And what did he say?” I asked.

            “He said it didn’t matter. Like I was making it up. So I told him that from now on, he can buy his own goddamn toilet paper,” she hissed.

            This argument answered a question I had been asking myself for years. Why did my parents always have such shitty toilet paper? I never thought it was shitty until a certain conversation with Josh. It was around the time we got engaged, and we were casually talking about certain household brands we liked.

            “I have to have Charmin,” he said. “The ultra-soft kind.”

            “Really? I had no idea you were so delicate,” I mocked.

            He ignored my tone. “That’s the kind my parents always have. You had to have noticed when you’ve come over, compared to what you have at your house,” he said.

            “What do you mean?” I asked. I was very busy at college and my trips home had become infrequent.

            “Pay attention next time you’re home,” he said.

            And he was right. The next time nature called at the farm I was staring right at a roll of single-ply sandpaper hell. You never notice these things until you are forced to face a comparison. From that point on, I wondered why my parents were so loyal to this type of toilet paper. Apparently, it had something to do with the septic tank.

            A couple of days later, my parents came down to visit. I took my father to the gym with me and we had a rare moment alone on the way back to my house.

            “You know, your mother really ticked me off the other day,” he said.

            “Yeah? What did she do?” I said.

            “She went out and bought some fancy, super thick toilet paper! The quilted kind! I couldn’t believe it. It’s like flushing a towel down the toilet. That is going to back up our septic tank!” he said.

            Barely keeping my face composed, I said in an even tone, “I was under the impression that it was safe for septic tanks.”

            My words had the desired effect and my dad became instantly agitated. “You sound just like your mother! That’s exactly what she said! I said, ‘Dammit Linda, NOT MY SEPTIC TANK!’” he said in a raised voice.

            I couldn’t help it anymore, I was giggling. “Jesus, Dad, calm down. There are millions of people who use that toilet paper, is it really a big deal?”

            “Do you know how much it costs to fix a backed up septic tank?” Dad asked me.

            I flash back to when I was 16 years old. I was standing in our only bathroom, doing my hair and make-up. “Putting on ammunition” was what my dad called it, and he would make corny remarks about how those boys didn’t stand a chance against all that ammunition. When he approached the door, I was ignoring him, anticipating his usual comments. It was his serious tone when he said my name that made me turn and look at him.

            “I need to talk to you about something,” he said. He looked nervous, maybe even angry. His face was red and he was shifting his feet, not quite looking at me. Had he found the beer in my trunk? Had he heard me talking on the phone to Josh? Did he know I skipped church last week? (The last one was the worst offense.)

            “Yes?” I said weakly.

            “You need to…” he paused. “Not flush your…things…down the toilet.”

            Relief washed over me, but I didn’t let it show. Instead, I kept a straight face. Clearly, my father was extremely uncomfortable talking about his, and I felt like messing with him.

            “What things?” I asked.

            “You know, your things. That you and your sister use,” he said.

            I was not satisfied. I wanted to make him say it. “You mean like toilet paper? That’s gross. I know back in the day they used catalogs but…”

            I had gone too far and Dad caught onto my game. “LOOK,” he cut me off. “The septic tank guy was out here yesterday, and the entire tube was stuffed with them.”

            “Oh, you mean tampons,” I said, faking a moment of realization.

            Dad grimaced and exhaled in disgust and relief. “Yeah, those. So, don’t flush them.” He turned to make a quick exit, but turned back and said, “Tell your sister too,” before shuffling off into the kitchen.

            Nearly ten years later in my car, I realized pumping a septic tank must be mighty steep for dad to have that most awkward conversation with me.

            “You know, Dad,” I said. “It’s like your septic tank is from the dark ages.”

            “Well, it is,” he relented. “I’d love to have fancy quilted toilet paper, but we just can’t.”

            “It’s really not a fancy thing, Dad. It’s a normal thing. We buy Charmin. Josh won’t go for anything else,” I said.

            Dad seemed intrigued. Hours later, Josh, my mother and I were watching TV in the living room. My father came out of the bathroom with a satisfied smile on his face.

            “Boy you are right Josh, that is some real nice toilet paper you got in there,” he said.

            “Yep,” said Josh.

            “Jesus Dad, close the door!” I said, covering my nose and mouth.

            He did and sat down next to my mother.

            “See?” she said. “You like it. There’s no reason we can’t use nice toilet paper.”

            “No no no,” Dad said. “It’s just for these fancy city folks.”

            Mom rolled her eyes and Dad smiled.

            We’ll see what’s waiting for me at the farm.

A Christmas Letter

It seems like all of my friends and family are sending out Christmas cards this year. I guess I’m reaching the age where people are mostly married, maybe even have kids, or going through their first divorce. Apparently, standing in with their parent’s pictures is no longer sufficient. Until, that is, one sibling undoubtedly crashes and burns in their life and reverts back to being under the parental umbrella of holiday cheer. Most families have one of these cases. Characteristics include, but are not limited to, being over 30, lack of spouse, lack of career development, living at home, and, of course, denial.

The overall confirmation of this is taking family photos, such as Christmas cards, grouped in with your own parents, either because it is too embarrassing to stand by yourself, or your children resent you. Either way, Christmas is a cruel mistress who makes your sad place in life becomes painfully evident. You may or may not be holding the family pet for solace, knowing at least Fluffy is still happy to have you hanging around.

Which one will it be in my family? It is between the three of us: myself, my brother, and my sister. This is yet to be determined. That’s the kicker. There are families out there, even extended families, without these characters. Give it time, someone will step up to the plate and become the family deadbeat. Until then, enjoy your boring, Norman Rockwell-like holidays devoid of jealous tension and passive-aggressive remarks fueled by stress and booze. Your day is coming, if it has not already arrived without you noticing. It may even be you.

But it is all smiles on the holiday cards. I know my mailbox is about to be very full of these cards, because everyone keeps asking for my address. I am repeatedly texting my new address to just about everyone I know, a side effect of moving so often. I’m starting to get annoyed, but I feel kind of bad about that because, for some reason, these people care about me. And, they must also think that I don’t care about them, since I am not asking for anyone’s address in return, since I have nothing to send. Unless you count the picture of Josh and I submitted to his mother three weeks after she asked for it.

I am starting to notice that more people do not feel that a card is enough, but must send a letter. I would like to joke about how much I don’t give a crap about these, but it simply isn’t true. I do enjoy reading them. That being said, I have decided to write my own Christmas letter.

Dear Everyone,

If you are getting this letter, you either already know everything that is already in it, because we communicate on a somewhat regular basis, or I do not care about you to enough to call every once in a while but still feel you should be interested in my life. Either way, Happy Holidays and I am going to update you on everything that happened this year!

The most notable thing is that we moved to Texas. We do not miss snow but do like to brag about everyone here being a baby about mild temperatures. However, it is not pleasant to feel like you are sitting in a sauna every time the temperature goes over 65 degrees.

Josh and I bought our first set of cowboy boots. Mine are simple leather, while Josh’s are handmade ostrich and elephant hide. I know refer to him as “The Poacher,” a nickname he ignores. The Poacher and I are considering buying a handgun. We realize that is does bring us down to the white trash level of many Texans, but the good news is we can read AND we aren’t related to each other. So, we have that going for us, which is nice.

As usual, Josh is working a million hours a week and I was lucky to find work almost immediately upon arriving to Texas. I am working for a school that I worked for when I lived in Kansas City and am happy to be back with that company. I commute about 45 minutes each way, weaving my way through people who drive like they are playing Grand Theft Auto.

Killebrew is nursing a paw injury that is kind of unusual. Over Thanksgiving, he ripped the top off of one of his nails and licked it to the point of infection. I came home to find my dog with a cone secured to his harness which caused him to constantly run into things. I also found his bandaged leg secured with duct tape, which Josh implemented to ward off Killebrew’s chewing of his foot. There is something so sad, yet so very funny about seeing a dog who is balancing on three legs repeatedly beating his cone against a cabinet to get at a potato chip on the floor.

For the first time in months, Texas decided to have a rainstorm that weekend, which presented a problem. Killebrew could not get his bandage wet. So, every time he wanted to go outside, we had to duct tape Ziploc sandwich bags to his foot and carry him outside. In fact, we have been carrying him quite a bit, and his new favorite game is to wake me up in the middle of the night to lift him into bed.

For the holidays, Josh and I prefer to celebrate in our Grinch way, by sitting on our couch and doing nothing. No Christmas tree, no presents. Just celebrating with our new addition to the family, our smoker! That is right, no children. This gut is all beer.

So what else is new? Absolutely nothing. New state, same shit. Oh, except we can find about ten different types of queso at the local grocery. That’s new. Other than that, nothing. I go to work, I do homework, I work out either that my glowing gym or the small 1970’s style fitness center at the top of our office building. The contrast between the two is astounding, but activity is activity even if you are bench pressing on something out of Happy Days.

Until next year.

Money Services

Dear U.S. Bank,

            Thank you for saving my ass. Literally. I have recently moved to the Houston, Texas area which happens to be a dead zone for your company. There are no branches within a hundred miles and there is one questionable ATM in an area I know nothing about.

            I am now two months into my new job and for some reason my direct deposit is still not hitting. Every time I call my HR representative, they verify my information, followed by a long puzzled silence. They have processed my information twice, and promise me that my direct deposit should hit not this pay period, but the next one. This has yet to happen. I do not blame them, as I tend to be unlucky sometimes.

            My husband’s bank is down here, but I, the queen of Internet transactions, like my internet banking. All of my bills and purchases are set up with my own banking information and I do not wish to change this. Plus, I like having my own account, as my husband and I have very different spending habits and would much rather argue over who is really messing up the sheet alignment on our bed.

            So, I elect to go to Wal-Mart to cash my check. This is something I have not done before, but I hear of people doing it all the time. After work, I drop by one on my way home. Wanting to get this over with, I stalk to the desk labeled “Money Services” and wait.

            At this point in my life, I have tired of most of my iPod Selection. Sure, my library has whittled down to 1,356 songs and I constantly download, but I have a short attention span. My new obsession is listening to comedy stations on Pandora, where I can listen to 3 to 5 minute segments of fantastic comedy. This is what I am doing while I become the seventh person in line at Wal-Mart.

            Upon meeting a friend of a friend a few weeks ago, he remarked that I seem “very well adjusted” to living in a city considering I grew up in a tiny farm town. Let me just say that is not my perception some of the time. In situations where I am thrown in with varieties of people unlike myself, I become extremely paranoid. My earbuds stay in, but I am vigilant in observing my peers in line. I tighten my grip on my purse and try to look bored. I avoid eye contact but maximize my peripheral vision. I feel extremely out of place in this line because other than the person behind me wearing a “McDonalds” polo, I feel like the only one who might have a steady job. This feels wrong. I do not have nearly enough ink on my neck and too many teeth in my mouth.

            I shut my eyes and try to tell myself not to be such a judgmental bitch. Who cares what these people look like? Who’s to say they don’t work? They are in line with me aren’t they? Don’t you wear sweatpants to run errands?

            Actually, I normally don’t. I try to look at least halfway decent every time I am leaving the house, unless I am leaving from the gym. But, I try not to be so narrow-minded and just continue to observe.

            After a few people visit the counter, I realize my suspicions are right. They are not cashing paychecks. They seem to be presenting some documentation and swiping a card. I am confused. What the hell are they doing? I start to read the list of services offered and realize these people are cashing in government assistance.

            Now, I am not against people who get government assistance. I have family members who legitimately needed it and benefited from it. However, I do feel it gets abused. I don’t know any of these people in line, but they look like able-bodied people. However, I can’t make that call, but when I step up the counter this becomes relevant.

            Two employees man the money services counter. One appears to be actually working but is engaged in Wal-mart employee gossip with the other, who appears to serve no purpose other than bashing some chick that didn’t show up that day.

            “Well Taquanda called in today, again,” says the Worker Bee.

            “Huh, doesn’t surprise me. Probably one of her kids is sick,” says Worthless.

            “Girl, you know she ain’t stayin home for no kids. She just didn’t feel like comin’ in. One more time and she gone. She ain’t given enough notice” says Worker Bee as she scrutinizes my check.

            “Well, she don’t do nothing anyways,” says Worthless. “She probably got another boyfriend.” She catches my eye like I should add something. I just yank my earbuds out and avoid her gaze.

            Worker bee seems to be struggling with my check. Apparently, she doesn’t run a lot of these through her machine.

            “It don’t seem to be workin’,” she says. She takes me over to another machine and runs it through twice. She continues to chatter with Worthless, who tells Worker Bee, “she don’t know how to work it.”

            Finally, Worker Bee figures it out. She runs the check through and asks me to input my social security number. I do it as discreetly as possible as I realize…this lady is going to count all this money in front of all these people. I don’t make a fortune, but I’m sure it’s considerably more than these people see on government assistance. She pulls the money drawer open and I extend an envelope to her.

            “just put it in…” I begin.

            But no, Worker Bee has other plans. Worker Bee decides not only to loudly count my money out loud to the whole world, but holds the bills eye level, so myself and all of Wal-Mart can see.

            “ONE HUNDRED, TWO HUNDRED, THREE HUNDRED,” she counts out two weeks worth of pay for me. As she finishes, she says the total loudly.

            I scowl at her and shove the money into the envelope. I shoot her a look that says, “thanks, now I have to worry about getting stabbed in the parking lot.” She does not pick up on my irritation, and I don’t say anything to her. What’s the point? Everyone within earshot, a considerable radius with the volume of her voice, is now a threat, even MickyD who is next in line. I am tempted to ask her to direct me to the pepper spray aisle, but I just stalk off. I don’t replace my earbuds, as I am now focused on my goal. “Get to the truck, don’t get stabbed. Get to the truck, don’t get stabbed.” This is my mantra.

            I get halfway to the truck when the cart attendant whistles at me and I break into a run. Good thing I have been hitting the gym. Not everything is bigger in Texas. I get in the truck and calm myself down.

            I relay this to the girls at work the next day and they suggest I go to a different Wal-Mart next time. It is smaller, less busy, and close to the office so I can do in the perceived safety of daylight.

            Two weeks later, I pull in to the parking lot of the oldest, shittiest looking Wal-Mart I have ever seen. Since I grew up in rural Iowa, this is a tall statement. However, my colleagues were right about it not being busy. I walked and went to the customer service counter, where a guy was waiting to return diapers and plastic flowers. The guy behind me kept asking me questions like, “have you been here before? Do you know if they sell socks here?”

            I pretend like I don’t hear the crazy guy behind me and he eventually disappears into the bathroom. The guy in front of me arguing about the price of the diapers so I get some time to witness a conversation going on between a patron and a manager.

            The patron has her arms crossed. “Did you see him take the item, did you see the gun?” She asks the manager.

            The manager shakes his head and put his hands up. “Look, there was a commotion, and I was asked to call the police. The police came, and he was arrested. It was reported he had a weapon on him,” he says.

            The patron is irritated. “No, I didn’t ask that. Did you see him take it? Did you see him point a gun?”

            “We had to file a police report,” the manager says.

            “Did you see it!?!?” shouts the partron.

            The manager again throws up his hands and walks away.  Cool, apparently something went down here today. I’m about to leave when the attendant motions me forward. I must admit, I am impressed. She handles my check flawlessly. Upon open the drawer, she surveys the area, and sets up a barricade of money orders. I giggle when I see they are money orders for sending cash to Mexico.

            “I’m going to count this down here. Ok?” she whispers.

            I smile. “That will be fine,” I say.

            She counts them off in hundreds, but avoids saying the word “hundred” or “thousand.” She keeps her voice low and keeps the money on the counter behind the barricade. She discreetly puts the money in the envelope for me. I’m still nervous, but she’s done her best. I thank her and shuffle out. Wal-Mart, just like any other company, has it’s good employees and bad ones. One of the best happens to be my father-in-law.

            Despite the good attendant’s efforts, I was thankful to find out that U.S. Bank now has a mobile app that allows me to deposit checks through my phone. I do not need to carry around envelopes of cash and feel like I have done something dirty to get it. I am glad I decided to keep your business.